Sunday, May 20, 2012

tear it down to build it up

As I face a potential fourth day of re-posting an old card, it's time to look at this project and what it means to me. For the most part, I've maintained a clear line between me and the cards on this blog. I've not talked about much that is personal. But now I find myself in a big cushy seat of ennui, totally uninspired, and not caring much about making a card a day. So, either I go ahead and blog it out in order to move through, or I just let it go and stop the project.

I am in an in between place. In a living space which I have very much wanted to leave for almost a year now. I know what I want, where I want to be, what it will look and feel like. I believe that I have the potential means to make it happen. But there are so many steps between where I am and where I want to be. And there is coordinating, cooperating, and much work to be done. I am not deterred by these things, nor do they seem beyond my capabilities. But everything is moving so s l o w l y. And I feel restless.

I do not want to make a card. I want to pack more of my belongings, though living in a space where all of my favorite things are already in boxes is blah-making. I want to put down roots. I want to be in nature. I want a cacophony of birdsong outside of my windows. I want to garden and walk. I want to travel somewhere with my love and see things I haven't seen before. I want to be shaken up and pared down to my essentials.

I made the project public knowing I would have moments when I needed to feel an obligation and impetus if I was lacking inspiration. I did it hoping to get feedback on which cards really worked, and for encouragement when my motivation was failing. I did it in order to share what I create and to amuse people. Is this too 'externally motivated'? I feel all squinchy-needy just admitting to it. But validation of creative endeavors feels good, and right now I do happen to feel all sorts of squinchy-needy.

 I am distracted by a death this past January, which makes me want to slip out of the past the way I would slip out of a bed at night. Quietly, softly, the sideways angling of one leg at a time. I want to let the dead rest. To let the desert turn him into something clean and beautiful, when in fact I feel hurt and angry that the desert now feels full of him. I want to be free of that which I thought I'd forgiven, rather than feeling angrysadvulnerablesadandangry.

I feel full of contradictions. Stuck and restless. Productive in my days, yet unable to produce creatively. I've never had a creative block before, and it feels Chunky, rough, many edged, and Blocky.

So, there. There is all of the negativity and weight that I've been feeling. Which is not to say that it is all that I feel. I also feel incredibly loved and supported. I feel wonderfully accepted and bolstered. I have N, who is the simplest and biggest love of my life. My favorite person to laugh and adventure with. A beautiful source of unending support who encourages me to leap all akimbo into my desires and endeavors, and who loves my glowing and my darkness. I have C who is laughter and tears and vulnerability and safety and totally amazing generosity and support, not to mention the absolute best parts of shared unican watch 7 seasons of Buffy in 7 months geekiness. I have D who is a fount of laughter and creative encouragement. I have B who I have always felt known and loved by, since I was a wee deek. I have my other B who has made me feel stood up for, and protected. I have A, who takes me to terrifying places with emdr therapy, then brings me back again, clearer, safer, better.

I guess I've crossed into the personal, after all of those entries about cats and humorous incongruities. I feel purged and ready to see what tomorrow brings, because one of the incredible parts of living and feeling is how much change happens. Every day there is the potential for gripping and releasing and loving and laughing and grief and healing and discovery.

Hey. I feel like making a card.

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