Sunday, August 5, 2012

grr. arg. sigh. smile. breathe.

My desire to move has crashed into me today. I feel shaken and frustrated and desperate. The pouring rain pouring in has my adrenaline flooding me. Fight or flight, and I want to do both. I am no longer holding out for the 'big move' to our little homestead. It seems unattainable and terribly far away right now. And yet, some interim place seems unattainable at the moment, too. ohhh, puddle of me, all despairing and wanting to scream until the walls shatter and I bring this entire place down around me like the House Of Clennam.

On the bright side, Nik'l and I finished painting and cleaning the entire carriage house in 19.5 hours over the course of three days. Two of which broke heat records here in Buffalo. We burned an insane amount of calories between us, and were too hot to eat, so I may be able to fit into my wedding dress for our anniversary after all.

I'm amazed that we'll be celebrating a year in just one week! It's flown by and has been full of so much creativity and love and some adventuring. We pulled the rug out a year ago, and have managed to not just live, but live well without 'formal' employment. We're both doing what feels most enriching to us. This year I've watched Nik become more patient, present, healthy and happy than I've ever seen her. Every morning we choose work, or creative endeavors, or to help the people we love, and we live each day as we please. It's been challenging and exciting and I've loved living it with Nik. The one drawback to it all is not being able to move yet...which brings me full circle, back to paragraph one.
Thankfully it doesn't always feel this way. And, as always, my frustration will pass..thankfully.

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