Thursday, November 29, 2012

ohhh, blech.

Another stretch between posts, and now I've chosen an extremely limited amount of time and space to write in. but at least I'm doing it. In between bursts of productivity and mind numbing overwhelmed-ness, there is this post.
 The Queen City Market is the 8th of December. Which is entirely Awesome. I've done enough shows to have a really clear idea of what I need to do to prepare. Yet, I've been awash in anxiety tempered with ambivalence. Wanting to get lots of merch made, but feeling less than passionate about what I'm making. Needing to do a few practice set ups, but being unclear about what I'm bringing, what I have, what what what.
Tired. I'm tired. Though I sleep deep, deep, long nights of sleep. I wake happy to be waking, to get up, to share the morning with Nik'l and kitten and Boris. Then I waft through focus into uncertainty, driven by a pointless determination to appear competent and busy...to the cats, since they're the only ones who've witnessed the last few days. I make things, and make lists, and never stop doing, but somehow manage to feel like I haven't done much. Which reminds me that I meant to vacuum today.
I feel off kilter, and un-centered and uncertain what it is, exactly, that I need. I am working on being compassionate, and open and present. I think that tomorrow I will walk. Breathe and move and let my mind clear. Settle into myself and listen so I can know what it is that I need in order to feel more myself again.
Struggly, achy, sludgy. At least I know that at the other end will be clarity, movement, and growth.

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