Friday, December 28, 2012

quickly, quickly...

A few quick notes...
       The Holidays were full of love this year. They usually are, but this year in particular felt super charged with enormous amounts of loving gratitude and appreciation.
          I got a lock pick. Totally feel like Nancy Drew/Sabrina Duncan/Mata Hari. I also got a auburn fantasy-mermaid wig, so I feel changeable/blend-inable. And dangerous. In a really non aggressive way. I just want to be a lady detective and solve mysteries.
         I can't wait to ring in the new year with my two favorite people. My perfect match, and my best bosom friend. A quiet evening, some food adventuring, and champagne. A lovely way to welcome a year that I'm pretty thrilled to usher in.
        And I'm turning 40 in TWO WEEKS. Amazing! I figure, my 30's were pretty wonderous. My 40's are going to be even better! More on this later.

Off to prep for a lovely supper/evening with our favorite neighbors. Feeling chock full of love and gleeful gratitude.
*heart heart heart*

Thursday, December 20, 2012

Christmasy anticipation

Another holiday season is upon us! Nik and I have watched two versions of A Christmas Carol, and saw the play at Alleyway Theater. It's the perfect story of redemption and the spirit of Christmas. I love the story more and more as time passes.
Things I look forward to at this time of year..
*Snow. Of which we've had none. But I'm holding fast to the hope of some before Christmas. I distinctly remember struggling to learn my multiplication tables, and going for long snowey walks and my Dad helping me memorize them. The Tori Amos song Winter never fails to bring these walks back to me, and to make my heart ache until I cry from it. A painful beautiful nostalgic longing.
*Our tree. Big, colorful bulbs have replaced the little white lights I was into for years. A throwback to childhood, and I love them.
*Caroles. All of the old ones, anyway. Gimme a little Good King Wenceslas. Gimme a choir singing The first Nowell or It Came Upon a Midnight Clear. I will sing along, and it wont be pretty, but I will feel all sorts of joyful inside. Even as I reach for notes far too high for me to consider, I soar inside.
Silence. Last night I turned out every light in the house except the tree and sipped a cup of tea. I thought about childhood Christmases. I thought of my Dad singing in the church choir and how exciting that was. How proud I felt of his voice, touching all of those people. I remembered staying home from midnight mass with my Mom to snuggle up in tree light, quietly sharing the space and the anticipation of all of us being together the next day. I thought about my life today, about how much things have changed since last year at this time. I felt deep gratitude and so so much love in me. I felt happy and comfortable and blessed.

Off to walk with my best Uni-can friend and to call out to the snow. I hope it arrives soon.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Update-y and link-y and whatnot.

First, updatey stuff. Pappy is home and recovering from his Radical Prostectomy. I was able to be there to keep the dog company while Nik'l and Mammy spent the days at Roswell. It made me happy to be able to give them peace of mind about Miss Jesse Jane (woof), and to do things around that house in order to alleviate some of the duties that don't feel terribly relevant when you're taking care of a loved one who is recovering. There have been a few issues, along with the general discomfort and anxiety of healing from something so major, but all is well. I feel so blessed to have Mammy and Pappy in my life. I love them more and more, which is such an incredible bonus to loving Nik.We will be present as much as possible through the recovery process, which sometimes means being apart. I won't see my Nik'l until Sunday morning, which seems so far away. We've never been apart this long, and while I am very occupied (more below), I miss her so.

The Queen City Market was a ridiculous success. So much so that I have been making and making new things for the past 4 days. So much making. So much glue, the toxic good smelling kind as well as the pasty balls of glue all over the floor kind. Both Friday and Saturday I'll be at the Last Minute Panic sale at the WNY Book Arts Collective. I'm pretty excited about it for a few reasons. It is the first show I ever did, three years ago, so I feel a real affection for, and loyalty to it. Also, the people are wonderful. My friend Barbara Hart, who makes these amazing little wood people will be there..
And Chris from Fly Rabbit Press
And Jan who makes quirky, eclectic jewelry that I love
Also, Lloyd's Taco truck will be there, win win WIN.

Last Minute Panic is Friday 4-8 and Saturday 12-6...come see great people! Buy cool one of a kind gifts! Eat tacos!
Some favorite new ABC boxes!
R is for Regeneration
 S is for Saint (Catherine)

Back to work so that I can sit back tonight and sleep easy knowing I'm ready for tomorrow. 

Thursday, December 6, 2012

making and reading. a mini post.

Today I created a shadowbox, and I love it. Here is my favorite part...her story.

As she grew, her parents worked extremely hard to tame her. And as she was tamed her dreams grew wilder. Veering into silent dark places where she could fill the inky air with her voice. Here she birthed a stag which shred the very air with its great antlers until she could step through the tatters into more and wilder places. Her waking life was full of people bent on the taming of her, and she fought them all until at last she melted into the night itself. And escaped.

I also just finished reading The Girl Who Circumnavigated Fairyland In A Ship Of Her Own Making. It was so incredible. Deeply, truly beautiful. And at the end I cried and cried and felt inspired and uplifted and broken hearted and I want to name something September. I can't wait to read the second one...*sigh*

Sunday, December 2, 2012

struggle, creak, pop, shift, grow.

I'm not particularly fond of writing through a funk. It feels self serving, and I think that you'll think that I'm dull and whiney. Or, worse, that you'll not allow me the very real cycles of living and pigeon hole me in your thoughts as a "depressed" person. Which I have a deep aversion to. So I call it a funk, and avoid writing too much.
I spent many years living in near constant depression. That cycle began to slowly change in my late 20's. I've spent 10 years living in fluctuating states of self searching, growth, change, reflection, healing, and, subsequently, joy, delight, wonder, awe, gratitude, and peace.
But right now. I'm in a funk.
I love this season. I love the turning in, the darkness, even the weatherizing of our space which turns it into a dark little den of soft light and warmth. I love the freshness of winter air. I love snow for it's alchemical ability to re shape familiar landscapes into magical places. I love when it clings to every tiny thing and makes the world soft and sparkling and so so silent. This love of the season compounds the funk, because I so sincerely do Not want to feel it (in the midst of the mooost wonderful tiiime...of the yeeeaaaaar) that I deny it, and it gets all uppity and out of control until I am forced to deal with it.
Today there is rain. A near constant rain, and I have had a sinusy headache for two days and I feel so tired. I hurt my back this morning by coughing while I was bent over. I eased myself into childs pose and wept and wept there on the floor. Cat nip sticking to my forehead and feeling so sorry for myself, wanting (for over a year now) a massage, but denying myself, saying yet again that I can't afford one. I am full up on emotions, and have no more room in me, which makes me feel impatient and overwhelmed. So I need to express them. To release them and breathe into the space they leave in me to welcome ease, trust, comfort.

Here goes.
I feel afraid. I'm afraid of not making enough money at the QCM this Saturday. I'm afraid that noone will want anything that I make, and I will feel invalidated.  I feel afraid for Pappy's surgery on Monday. That he won't recover well, or that they'll find more cancer. That I'll lose him. That we'll lose him. I'm afraid of losing anyone else that I love, and I've so damn many people to lose.
Which brings me to anger. I'm angry that I live above people who walk around like they've got weights on their ankles. Seriously, I am woken from my sleep by their pounding through their apartment and they live below me. I am angry at an old friend for responding to my admission of having felt hurt by her with hurtful words. I'm angry at my landperson for still not putting a new roof on.
I am sad that an important relationship in my life shifted fundamentally the summer I got married. I feel sad that it feels so damaged, and lost. I feel broken trust and rejection and a myriad of old old issues all bundled up within it.
But if I stop spinning in the emotions, I know that our well being doesn't depend on the money I make this weekend. I know that I can stop denying myself the healing luxury of a massage (though I still feel the need to justify that it would cost less than 2 chiropractic adjustments). I know that there will be people who walk right by my table at the show on saturday, their eyes sliding over the things that I've created, and love. But there will be people who stop, who compliment, and converse, and encourage, and buy. I can do nothing but trust that Pappy will be fine. He will heal and we will be present and help and support and encourage. That I have many people in my life who I will lose, but whom I love. I love. And who love me.
As for my neighbors, the Ladies of Mighty Striding, they do their best. If I say, ''re rediculously loud right now and woke me', they're responsive and respectful. No big. I am doing my best, and with wishes for love and peace, releasing the old friendship which made her feel judged and made me feel peripheral and hurt. We'll get a roof. Or not. We'll move out of here. Eventually. I can love the lost relationship, and wish her so much love and peace and joy in her life.
I'm exhausted. I can't imagine that you've stuck in through all of this processing. I don't know yet if it's helped. I do, however, trust that I will move through this. I will learn from it and there will be wonderous little shifts inside of me. My entire life and the living of it will hold cycles of wonder, ease, adventure, peace, stumbling, loss, weeping, laughter, comfort, fear, anger, connection, joy, expression, creativity, sadness, and funks. And through it, I will always be growing.