Friday, April 5, 2013

transformation, change, practice, and peace

I've been full of anxiety lately. It comes and it goes in my life, cyclically it seems. It could be cabin fever. It's supposed to be spring after all, but the temps have been struggling to hit 50, and when they do the wind chill makes it feel like it's in the 30's or 40's. But it's felt more specific than antsy travel buggy cabin fever. So I'm going to try to type my way through it.
I want to do this because I believe that we hard wire our brains over time. That the longer we believe something, the truer it becomes for us. I do not want to be preoccupied with fear and worry. I want to be a person who is present and full of gratitude. I want my brain hard wired for compassion, love, acceptance, generosity, peace, optimism, joy, and forgiveness. Embodying these things takes conscientious effort. I work every day to balance my Capricornian nature of being empathic and compassionate but also being 'right', which makes others 'wrong' if they don't do things the way I would. I tend to be a cautiously optimistic pessimist (and vice versa). Sometimes I'm a dreamy idealist, and have been known by some to be an overly dramatic fatalist. I am 'sweetly unassuming' and full of trust, when I'm not being closed off from and suspicious of others. There are all sorts of simultaneous characteristics in me, which I either embrace, or attempt to purge.
But for today, we focus on my recent anxiety...
I am anxious/nervous/worried...
1.that there won't be enough money
2.that I won't be able to pay bills
3.that I will never have my homestead/chickens
4.that I will never make enough money doing what I love
5.that my life will fall into monotony and I'll be full of longing for what I don't have

Okay. Now how do I find the root of these beliefs? Because I can easily say that

1a.There is Always enough. We are never lacking for anything that we need.
2a.We have always covered the bills, and on time.
3a.Whether I have the property, or the wee small home I desire doesn't matter. I find my bliss where I make it. I could be miserable in paradise (wherever you go, there you are).
4a.Again, there is always enough, and doing what I love feels amazing (as long as I don't burden it with pressure to make money).
5a.This is really about money again. I've been longing to travel, which is so important to both Nik and I and it is largely contingent upon having the money to do it.
So. It seems to come down to money, and the "security" it provides. On one hand, we need money for is the only recognized source of currency we have. On the other hand...that's so not true. I think this is where my longing to live off the grid comes in. Solar power, hunting for and growing food, working in trade, barter, cooperative living. These are all valid and viable ways to thrive in the world.

But, deeper even than money is the security it represents, and a belief that I Am Safe. That there are abundant resources available. That my longing for simplicity is supported. That as a child of the universe (of god) I am an integral part of the world. A wee small flo speck of brilliance and beauty and as I support I am supported. As I believe in I am believed in. As I love, I am loved. I make my choices every day, and some days I wallow in fear and I weep and I struggle. Some days I explore, and am full of curiosity and wonder and gratitude and faith. The key is in the choosing, I guess. And in the struggly off days to be compassionate and accepting of myself. To be full of nurturing and self care. To do these things, and then choose to let anxiety and fear go, and to open myself to beauty and connection and wonder.

I don't know if this shifted anything in me yet. I do know that there is joy in pronouncing OM in a room full of people, laughing with my best friend, sharing wonder with my love, listening deeply to nature, opening my heart. Practicing Trust. Believing that I am well. That I am safe. That my path is full of beauty and gifts.
So I'll end here, full of this positivity and gratitude. I'll carry this with me and keep on looking at the roots, and keep on practicing until change happens.

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