Tuesday, September 29, 2015

another beginning...

Lately I've just had the energy for beginnings...Like this one...

She hadn't noticed when the ticking started. It followed a slow evolution from a few rapid blinks to acts of facial distortion she didn't want to be seen performing in public. There were the eyebrow ticks, which consisted of an exaggerated raising and lowering of one eyebrow, quickly and several times in a row. This often led to a double eyebrow dance, haphazardly timed and frenzied. There was one that was a rabbit's face, consisting of movements of her upper lip and nose. There were sound ticks, the pulling of air between her top teeth and bottom lip, the clicking of her tongue at the back of her throat. They could embarrassing, to be sure, and that was what was so damnable about them. When the impulse took her, wherever she happened to be, she had to comply. If she fought it, the impulse grew to a clutching need within her, like thirst. The satiation of the need was not as pleasant as one would expect, but more of a release of pressure. The act of distorting her facial muscles felt both like the expression of anxiety, and the tamping of it. Exciting movies sometimes drove her into such a fit of ticking that her partner would have difficulty hearing the dialogue, and would have to pause the film until she reigned it in.

 She had told people about the ticking, humorous stories about being caught in the act, mostly. She wanted folks to know that she was okay with it, which in fact, she was. But she also wanted to reassure them that she knew it was happening, and that it wasn't an indication of any sort of deeper mental imbalance. Anxiety, sure, but she wasn't like an unmedicated person, like a crazy person. That, in truth, was her deeper fear, that beneath the seemingly innocent facial contortions she enjoyed there lay a deeply troubled aspect of herself she was unaware of. What if there was a part of herself that was a raving lunatic, and she saw glimpses of her but was unaware of her influence? She cringed to think it, and immediately took a moment to cringe good and hard, forcing her facial muscles to bunch up tightly before succumbing to the release of relaxing them.

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